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20 (unbelievable) answers from SMITTY!

From the December 1966 issue of Flip Magazine... QUESTION: WHY IS AN ELBOW SIMILAR TO AN EVENING IN ARKANSAS?
Answer: Because it's open to many interpretations.  To an archer it might be one thing...to a butcher, it might be another.  It all depends...
Q: WHEN WAS PAUL REVERE BORN?
A: When the sun was eclipsed by a flying crutch.
Q: HOW MUCH DOES A DITCH-DIGGER EARN IN A SHORT WEEK IF HE MAKES THREE DOLLARS AN HOUR PER DRY DITCH AND FOUR DOLLARS FOR A WATER-LOGGED GULLY (Give reasons for your answer.)
A: A ditch-digger earns twice as much, less eight pennies, as a transitory rat-catcher, except in the city of New York where most of the ditch-diggers have become rat-catchers for reasons which will be apparent to anyone who has been to New York City.
Q: WHY DO I SERVE PAUL REVERE SO LOYALLY?
A: Because... well... I suppose it's on account of...
Q: IS IT TRUE THAT NINE AND FIVE MAKE SEVEN?
A: Yes.  And alternatively, no.
Q: WHAT IS THE REASON FOR FANG'S NICKNAME "PHILLIP"?
A: His mother saw him when he was born and said disappointedly, "He's got no teeth.  But I want badly to call him Fang.  What do you think, George?" she asked her husband who was standing by the bed making model airplanes.  He didn't reply immediately because his name was not George, but William (?????) and then he remarked slowly, "Call him Fang, and we'll nickname him Philip for a joke."  Both names stuck and so did the baby Volk when he climbed into his father's lunch pail.
Q: HOW MANY FRIENDS HAS SENATOR ROBERT KENNEDY?
A: Exactly 187.
Q: ARE YOU SURE?
A: No.  It could be 178.  Times change so rapidly.
Q: WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT MARK LINDSAY?
A: Charm, talent, robust good looks, intellectual magnificence, warmth, kindliness and star-quality.
Q: HOW DO YOU KNOW?
A: He was explaining to me last night.
Q: WHEN WILL IT ALL END?
A: When Harold Strangler, Mary Grind, Norman Pluke and Fred Paste are in conjunction and the moon is full over Anaheim.
Q: HOW DO YOU FEEL?
A: Very well, except for a metal plate in my skull, a throbbing ache in both legs, a sprained wrist, a severe heart condition, a high fever and two ulcers.  Thank you for asking.
Q: WHERE WERE PAUL REVERE AND THE RAIDERS FORMED?
A: In a small village eighteen miles from the Manchurian border.  There were no main roads and you could only buy milk twice a month.
Q: DO YOU EVER FEEL ASHAMED?
A: Yes.  When the authorities find me torturing small animals.  But I get over it.
Q: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DISLIKE?
A: People who open doors for you, offer to help you up from a chair, give you presents, compliment you.  I make faces at them when their backs are turned and do them some harm when I get a chance.
Q: WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE PERSON?
A: Art Razz.  Next to him, Il Trovatore, head of the Boise Mafia.
Q: IF YOU WEREN'T YOU, WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE?
A: Jack Splattleib because he keeps his teeth in a cup all weekend and takes Polaroid pictures of himself grinning and sells them to Job Corps workers.
Q: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?
A: Paper, mostly.  Sometimes I eat pieces of metal and plastic spoons.  But you don't get much chance to eat on tour.
Q: WHEN WILL YOU BE PAROLED?
A: The doctor just smiles when I ask him.
Q: WHY?
A: Because he's an idiot.  I spotted it the first time I saw him.